Off the Top, Inc.
Cutting Costs by Offshoring Top Executives 

JeffLindsay.com, through its partnership with Off the Top, Inc., is proud to be the first major US corporation to adopt "executive offshoring." This is bound to be the hottest new trend in business: exporting the jobs of upper management to low-cost developing nations to cut costs AND (in many cases) improve the quality of executive performance. We're finding it the most powerful way ever to enhance your sustainable globalization development plan, customer relationship management, supply chain management, total quality management, open innovation, and strategic buzzword manipulation initiatives for disruptive competitive advantage.

Because we were so impressed with the premium "Offshore Executive" service we obtained with Off the Top, Inc., JeffLindsay.com is pleased to provide a little publicity for Off the Top in the form of this Web page. (We also get 30 cents a day taken off the salary of our new offshore CEO.)

Our former overly compensated CEO, Jeff Lindsay, explains his impressive and trend-setting decision:

After years of futile cost-cutting efforts, I realized that my salary as CEO of JeffLindsay.com was more than the combined salary of all my programmers, customer service specialists, technical support staff, artists, humorists, and custodial staff, all of whom I had worked valiantly to offshore or simply downsize. But it was not enough. Then I ran into the good folks at Off the Top, Inc. during a cost-cutting/downsizing workshop in Hawaii. They were happy to help, and charged a lot less than you might expect (half the going price for outside consultants: about 25% of our revenues for the next five years). I saw that if I really wanted to cut costs and be fair about it, my own job had to be put on the chopping block of offshore placement.

But could an offshore candidate be found who would be willing to take on the stress of an executive lifestyle, make the myriad decisions demanded of my job, and achieve the same levels of success that I had? The good folks at Off the Top gave it to me straight, and I'll never forget their words:

"Sure, why not? Frankly, you haven't done much for your pathetic corporation, Mr. Lindsay. A crash dummy could have done better. But we can find someone willing to work hard, someone willing to take risks, someone who can inspire others with his stories of adventure, and someone with even better looks than you could ever hope for. And all this for just $1.50 a day!!"

Ouch! The truth can really hurt, but in the end, it healed. (I'm still not convinced that a crash dummy could have done better - but to be safe, we added a couple to our board of directors.)

The leaders of Off the Top then flew me to Nepal, where I met the ideal candidate for my job, Jeferu "Shep" Linsee, a mountain climber, indigenous accountant, mystic, and local business man who raised goats and occasionally helped haul supplies up the sides of Mount Everest during the tourist season. He had more inspiring stories to tell than any overpriced motivational speaker we had ever brought in to our corporate activities. He could even speak some English. And with those dashing good looks and rugged manliness, I knew the press and the analysts on Wall Street would love him.

Training my future replacement was hard, but I knew it was the right thing for my company. My life as a CEO was over. Fortunately, I was able to find work with another local company, and while my salary is only a tiny fraction of what a typical CEO makes, I feel good knowing that "Shep" is doing better than I ever did and doing it each day for less than the cost of a hamburger with fries.

And there you have the story of JeffLindsay.com, the first major US corporation to adopt Off the Top's fair, humane, and cost-effective practice of offshoring its senior executives. And now, we present some information prepared by our friends at Off the Top.

Save Big Bucks with a Little "Off the Top"!

For years US companies have learned the benefits of exporting jobs overseas. It is now standard practice to "off-shore" positions such as technical support, customer service, manufacturing, computer programmers, and even lawyers, allowing high-paid employees to be replaced with employees who are virtually free, sometimes being paid just pennies an hour more than actual slave labor. It's a bonanza of economic prosperity for those who boldly offshore, and financial ruin for those who do things the old-fashioned way.

Now offshoring has come to the ranks of senior management, even CEOs! That's right, with Off the Top, Inc., your company can slash costs like never before. Why pay $10 million for an executive, even an honest one, when you can hire an offshore CEO for as little as $1 a day--and get somebody who knows what he's doing and does it well! No secret deals to enrich a pal on the board; no insider trading--just honest, hard-working professionals. Fire that CEO and hire a replacement from India, Pakistan, Outer Mongolia, or Burundi--just a few of the many countries who provide offshore CEOs for our exclusive service.

We know our service is not for everybody. Some CEOs really do earn their pay. But for hundreds of corporations, like all the would-be Enrons of America, executive offshoring might just be the best business decision you ever made.

New Offering from Off the Top: Offshore Politicians!

We've listened to the voice of ordinary Americans, we've felt their pain, and we have an answer. Millions of you are frustrated with overpaid politicians who seem more interested in helping foreigners than in helping Americans. Your politicians seem to be looking out for the interests of illegal immigrants, Arab sheikhs and oil barons, third world nations, and so forth, and it's costing you billions of dollars, lots of US jobs, and even American lives. Some of these politicians take huge bribes from foreign groups like the government of Red China or Arab sheikhs, serving as middlemen between the United States and foreign interests. And we're all sick it! We must put an end to this wasteful and corrupt practice of politicians as middlemen for foreign powers!

Now, with Off the Top's exclusive Offshore Politicians service, you can CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMEN and GET THIS CORRUPTION OFF OUR SHORES! When your state, city, or nation signs a contract for our Offshore Politicians service, we will immediately downsize the targeted politicians and replace them with low-cost offshore politicians who can directly represent the same foreign powers "in broad daylight" without the need for corrupt shenanigans and secretive deals.

Your offshore politicians will work less than a tenth of what onshore politicians demand, and will still feel filthy rich. We eliminate the wasteful and distracting election process, and instead simply appoint qualified representatives on the same relatively random basis that we use to select offshore executives for companies.

Plus, there is an added bonus! Because your offshore politicians will be scattered over the globe, communication between politicians will be hindered--not to mention the language barrier that comes from their puzzling varieties of English (though you can receive fluent English speakers for an extra fee, if you really need it). Communication barriers means less conniving among politicians, less corruption, and less tinkering with federal law. If enough states use our service, Congress may never be able to raise taxes again! This means more money in the pockets of every American!

Off the Top, Inc. proudly offers placement for offshore executives and offshore politicians. Working together, we can make the world a better place by taking a little off the top. Take a load off your company and keep a load in your vaults by taking a little "Off the Top."

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Beam back to Jeff Lindsay's planet

The Information Technology Professionals Association of America - a group concerned about exporting of US jobs. 2018 Update: This organization has been offshored to China. An English version of the site will be up soon.

List of J.L.'s humor pages

Index to all of J.L.'s pages